They sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!! In response to the question, "List all dependents?"
I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps;
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico; and
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate."
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer...
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Single Black Female
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
Love the response this ad got!!
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call [number removed] and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting...
SCROLL DOWN
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
Love the response this ad got!!
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call [number removed] and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting...
SCROLL DOWN
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Home Repairs
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey...could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have 'GE' written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," the wife says. "Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
The man replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have 'Westinghouse' written on my forehead?! I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at LEAST fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
"I'm not a carpenter, and I don't want to fix steps," he answers angrily. "Does it look like I have 'Ace Hardware' written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours...
...and he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.
As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices that the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks. "How'd all this get fixed?"
"Well," she says. "When you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."
The man asks, "So, what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replies, "Hellooo!! Do you see 'Betty Crocker' written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have 'GE' written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," the wife says. "Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
The man replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have 'Westinghouse' written on my forehead?! I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at LEAST fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
"I'm not a carpenter, and I don't want to fix steps," he answers angrily. "Does it look like I have 'Ace Hardware' written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours...
...and he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.
As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices that the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks. "How'd all this get fixed?"
"Well," she says. "When you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."
The man asks, "So, what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replies, "Hellooo!! Do you see 'Betty Crocker' written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
Friday, September 2, 2011
Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
How Hot and Dry Is It In Texas?
IT'S SO HOT IN TEXAS THAT...
...the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
...the trees are whistling for the dogs.
...the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
...hot water comes from both taps.
...you can make sun tea instantly.
...you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
...the temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
...you discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
...you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
...you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
...you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
...your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
...you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
...the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
...the cows are giving evaporated milk.
...farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs
IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS THAT...
...the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE HOW HOT IT IS...
...This cobbler pictured above was cooked by a relative. Outside...with no heat but the sun.
(Feel free to add your own "it's so hot" or "it's so dry" comment below.)
...the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
...the trees are whistling for the dogs.
...the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
...hot water comes from both taps.
...you can make sun tea instantly.
...you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
...the temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
...you discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
...you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
...you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
...you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
...your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
...you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
...the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
...the cows are giving evaporated milk.
...farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs
IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS THAT...
...the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE HOW HOT IT IS...
...This cobbler pictured above was cooked by a relative. Outside...with no heat but the sun.
(Feel free to add your own "it's so hot" or "it's so dry" comment below.)
Pecans in the Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..." He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The old man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..." He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The old man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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