They sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!! In response to the question, "List all dependents?"
I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps;
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico; and
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate."
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer...
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Single Black Female
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
Love the response this ad got!!
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call [number removed] and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting...
SCROLL DOWN
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
Love the response this ad got!!
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call [number removed] and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting...
SCROLL DOWN
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Home Repairs
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey...could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have 'GE' written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," the wife says. "Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
The man replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have 'Westinghouse' written on my forehead?! I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at LEAST fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
"I'm not a carpenter, and I don't want to fix steps," he answers angrily. "Does it look like I have 'Ace Hardware' written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours...
...and he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.
As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices that the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks. "How'd all this get fixed?"
"Well," she says. "When you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."
The man asks, "So, what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replies, "Hellooo!! Do you see 'Betty Crocker' written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have 'GE' written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," the wife says. "Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
The man replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have 'Westinghouse' written on my forehead?! I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at LEAST fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
"I'm not a carpenter, and I don't want to fix steps," he answers angrily. "Does it look like I have 'Ace Hardware' written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours...
...and he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.
As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices that the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks. "How'd all this get fixed?"
"Well," she says. "When you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."
The man asks, "So, what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replies, "Hellooo!! Do you see 'Betty Crocker' written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
Friday, September 2, 2011
Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
How Hot and Dry Is It In Texas?
IT'S SO HOT IN TEXAS THAT...
...the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
...the trees are whistling for the dogs.
...the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
...hot water comes from both taps.
...you can make sun tea instantly.
...you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
...the temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
...you discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
...you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
...you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
...you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
...your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
...you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
...the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
...the cows are giving evaporated milk.
...farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs
IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS THAT...
...the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE HOW HOT IT IS...
...This cobbler pictured above was cooked by a relative. Outside...with no heat but the sun.
(Feel free to add your own "it's so hot" or "it's so dry" comment below.)
...the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
...the trees are whistling for the dogs.
...the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
...hot water comes from both taps.
...you can make sun tea instantly.
...you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
...the temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
...you discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
...you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
...you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
...you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
...your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
...you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
...the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
...the cows are giving evaporated milk.
...farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs
IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS THAT...
...the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE HOW HOT IT IS...
...This cobbler pictured above was cooked by a relative. Outside...with no heat but the sun.
(Feel free to add your own "it's so hot" or "it's so dry" comment below.)
Pecans in the Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..." He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The old man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..." He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The old man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Monday, August 22, 2011
West Virginia Farm Kid in the Marines
West Virginia FARM KID in Marines
Recently come to San Diego for Marine Corps Recruit Training.
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are too.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. It’s practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges...they come in boxes.
We have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Recently come to San Diego for Marine Corps Recruit Training.
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are too.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. It’s practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges...they come in boxes.
We have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Southerners Have The Lowest Stress Rate
Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. Some Southern definitions:
Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria
Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die
Benign.............................. What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section................... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan............................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize........................... Made eye contact with her
Colic............................... A sheep dog
Coma................................ A punctuation mark
Dilate.............................. To live long
Enema............................... Not a friend
Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else
Fibula.............................. A small lie
Impotent............................ Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain.......................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff....................... A doctor's cane
Morbid.............................. A higher offer
Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates
Node................................ I knew it
Outpatient.......................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis.............................. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative...................... A letter carrier
Recovery Room....................... Place to do upholstery
Rectum.............................. Nearly killed him
Secretion........................... Hiding something
Seizure............................. Roman emperor
Tablet.............................. A small table
Terminal Illness.................... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor............................... One plus one more
Urine............................... Opposite of you're out
Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria
Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die
Benign.............................. What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section................... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan............................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize........................... Made eye contact with her
Colic............................... A sheep dog
Coma................................ A punctuation mark
Dilate.............................. To live long
Enema............................... Not a friend
Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else
Fibula.............................. A small lie
Impotent............................ Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain.......................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff....................... A doctor's cane
Morbid.............................. A higher offer
Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates
Node................................ I knew it
Outpatient.......................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis.............................. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative...................... A letter carrier
Recovery Room....................... Place to do upholstery
Rectum.............................. Nearly killed him
Secretion........................... Hiding something
Seizure............................. Roman emperor
Tablet.............................. A small table
Terminal Illness.................... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor............................... One plus one more
Urine............................... Opposite of you're out
Friday, July 29, 2011
Church Humor
Here's some humor clean enough for church:
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late....But please don't shove me either!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
An elderly woman died. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive. I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, Johnny's mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late....But please don't shove me either!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
An elderly woman died. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive. I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, Johnny's mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Church Signs
Here are some church signs that a relative sent me. I picked out the ones I thought were clever:
Monday, May 9, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Song Challenge - Day 2
Okay...day two. It's maybe a little easier. But only a little. I'll still have to take awhile to think about it because...well, again with the SO MANY CHOICES.
Day 2:
Your LEAST favorite song.
Day 2:
Your LEAST favorite song.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Song Challenge - Day 1
Okay...I'm stealing this from my friend, Kristi, on Facebook. You may have already seen her responses if you are mutual friends/family. But she doesn't have people replying to hers with any frequency and didn't ask for replies, and I'm curious about everyone's responses. So...if you want...come up with an answer to each of these. There are 30 questions, so thirty days. (Or 6 weeks if I get lazy and don't post on the weekend...always a possibility!)
Day 1: Your Favorite Song
I'm going to think about this one a little while and will post in a bit. There are SO MANY!
If you want to, post a like to your song on youtube so we can all hear it.
Day 1: Your Favorite Song
I'm going to think about this one a little while and will post in a bit. There are SO MANY!
If you want to, post a like to your song on youtube so we can all hear it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Today's Words: Run & Hide
In honor of Wisconsin's lawmakers, today's words are:
Run
Hide
Pick either one...or both. Have fun.
Run
Hide
Pick either one...or both. Have fun.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Today's Word...Well, sortof
Since yesterday was Valentine's...no word today, but instead:
What is your favorite love song?
What is your favorite love song?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Word for January 13: Room
I haven't posted a song lyric in a long time and really miss it! I'll try to post one a day for a long while. Here's today:
Room
Room
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