Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
How Hot and Dry Is It In Texas?
IT'S SO HOT IN TEXAS THAT...
...the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
...the trees are whistling for the dogs.
...the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
...hot water comes from both taps.
...you can make sun tea instantly.
...you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
...the temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
...you discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
...you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
...you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
...you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
...your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
...you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
...the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
...the cows are giving evaporated milk.
...farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs
IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS THAT...
...the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE HOW HOT IT IS...
...This cobbler pictured above was cooked by a relative. Outside...with no heat but the sun.
(Feel free to add your own "it's so hot" or "it's so dry" comment below.)
...the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
...the trees are whistling for the dogs.
...the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
...hot water comes from both taps.
...you can make sun tea instantly.
...you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
...the temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
...you discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
...you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
...you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
...you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
...your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
...you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
...the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
...the cows are giving evaporated milk.
...farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs
IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS THAT...
...the Baptist are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
AND JUST IN CASE YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE HOW HOT IT IS...
...This cobbler pictured above was cooked by a relative. Outside...with no heat but the sun.
(Feel free to add your own "it's so hot" or "it's so dry" comment below.)
Pecans in the Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..." He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The old man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Along came another boy riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..." He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and The Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The old man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Monday, August 22, 2011
West Virginia Farm Kid in the Marines
West Virginia FARM KID in Marines
Recently come to San Diego for Marine Corps Recruit Training.
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are too.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. It’s practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges...they come in boxes.
We have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Recently come to San Diego for Marine Corps Recruit Training.
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are too.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. It’s practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges...they come in boxes.
We have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Southerners Have The Lowest Stress Rate
Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. Some Southern definitions:
Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria
Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die
Benign.............................. What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section................... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan............................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize........................... Made eye contact with her
Colic............................... A sheep dog
Coma................................ A punctuation mark
Dilate.............................. To live long
Enema............................... Not a friend
Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else
Fibula.............................. A small lie
Impotent............................ Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain.......................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff....................... A doctor's cane
Morbid.............................. A higher offer
Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates
Node................................ I knew it
Outpatient.......................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis.............................. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative...................... A letter carrier
Recovery Room....................... Place to do upholstery
Rectum.............................. Nearly killed him
Secretion........................... Hiding something
Seizure............................. Roman emperor
Tablet.............................. A small table
Terminal Illness.................... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor............................... One plus one more
Urine............................... Opposite of you're out
Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria
Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die
Benign.............................. What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section................... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan............................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize........................... Made eye contact with her
Colic............................... A sheep dog
Coma................................ A punctuation mark
Dilate.............................. To live long
Enema............................... Not a friend
Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else
Fibula.............................. A small lie
Impotent............................ Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain.......................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff....................... A doctor's cane
Morbid.............................. A higher offer
Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates
Node................................ I knew it
Outpatient.......................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis.............................. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative...................... A letter carrier
Recovery Room....................... Place to do upholstery
Rectum.............................. Nearly killed him
Secretion........................... Hiding something
Seizure............................. Roman emperor
Tablet.............................. A small table
Terminal Illness.................... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor............................... One plus one more
Urine............................... Opposite of you're out
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